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Throughout time, mankind has been raised to produce, and re-produce. As generations and cultures have developed, aspects or behaviors of our past ancestors has been saved, discarded, or perhaps lost. For most North Americans, we have lost a sense of grief, what it is, and how we go about doing it. How often do we hear of our children being taught by their parents, the skill of how to grieve well? One thing we all experience in life is loss of the life of someone near and dear to us. We as human beings, as great as we are, scientifically speaking, begin to die the moment we are born, for our cells die continually from birth onward. What Is Grief And The Process Of Grieving? Grief, quickly defined, is our ability to deal with loss. While we most often look at grief as an emotional response, it also is reflected in our social, cognitive, behavioral, philosophical, and physical dimensions. Grief is most commonly identified with the death of a loved one close to us. Two terms which are often used to mean the same thing, speak to two different aspects of grief. “ Bereavement” is the state of loss, and “Grief” is the reaction to loss. While traditionally, when speaking on the subject of grieving one immediately assumes this to mean death, but loss can include loss of employment, friends, pets, societal status, marriage, our sense of safety, order in our lives, possessions, etc. Any form of change in our life that brings with it loss, results in grief. The way we respond to loss is strongly influenced by our personality, culture, family beliefs, as well as our spiritual and religious beliefs. Bereavement is a normal part of life for all of us, although rarely recognized as such. The way we react to loss can carry over into and harm many of the relationships around us, and numerous deep seated “mental illnesses” find their root in a person at some past point of deep loss. The Stages Of Grief. In 1969, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross published a book “ Death and Dying”, MacMillan Publishing Company. In this book she referred to the five stages of dealing with catastrophic loss. In her original text, Kubler-Ross was addressing the emotions a terminally ill person experiences in coping with knowing how they will die. In time these stages have mutated to become known today as “The Five Stages of Grief”. These stages are identified as, Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. While some in the field of clinical counseling believe the grieving process is one stage followed neatly by the other, truthfully, the process of grieving is more like a spiraling roller-coaster ride, where by one can revisit the prior stages, several times before finally letting go and moving on to the next stage in the process. Sometimes we can skip a stage, or go through three stages simultaneously. Grieving is a work in progress, and should be done completely, not assigning a time line which includes a completion date. Often it’s not until one has gone through the five stages of Grieving, when all your friends have stopped their expressions of sympathy, and people think you should get on with life, that the real work of grieving begins. Grief work is summarized by the acronym TEAR. “T” - To accept the reality of loss. “E” - Experience the pain of loss. “A” - Adjust to your new environment without the object you lost. “R” - Reinvest in your new reality. TEAR can only begin once a person has reached the “ACCEPTANCE” stage of the 5 Steps Of Grieving. Giving credence to the argument that in reality there are 9 stages to the grieving process and not 5 as many mental health professionals believe, or have been taught to believe. If we can accept the identification of 9 stages of grief, then we must also recognize for those we know and love who are going through this process, the last 4 of the nine stages are often journeyed through alone, after the friends walk away, after the courts assign closure to the legal processes, after those around you begin to believe it’s time you need to get on with your life. It’s at stage 6 where the real work of grieving begins, for one begins and goes through this work very, very, very much alone. How Long Does Grieving Take? While cultures over the history of man have assigned periods of time to this process, we truly never stop grieving the object of our loss in life. When we reflect on that loss, we will respond and react emotionally to varying degrees, and for varying periods of time. While some have said. “Time heals all wounds”, in the case of grieving this is not so, we, over time, grieve to a lesser level of intensity, and perhaps shorter periods of time, learning to move on with life in the face of our loss, but we rarely forget the object of our loss. The key to grieving is to embrace it and grieve well. View all James C. Tanner's articles About the Author: |
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Living With, And Understanding Grief
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